I’m sure you weren’t really expecting this kind of letter from me. But I really think I have to tell you all these. I want you to know. This is the first time I ever wrote anything about this, and you’re the only person who’ll have the honor to know everything I’ve gone through for the past few months.
When I was still with the ex, I couldn’t imagine myself being with somebody else but him. Until the time he left me, I was pretty much convinced that I was happy with him and nobody else can make me happy like that. My friends, even my family, saw how I really was – unhappy and unloved. But I kept denying that, I made myself believe that they are not in the position to say whether or not I am happy in a relationship because they don’t know what’s happening, they don’t see how he was making me feel, how he was loving me. For years, I did my best to prove them all wrong. For years, I made myself believe that I really was contented. I loved him, went out of my way to show him how much he meant to me. I wasn’t really expecting anything in return. I thought that as long as I’m making him happy with the love I’m giving him, I am happy too. Then he left me.
For a while back there, I was scared to be on my own. I was with him for too long, I can’t remember myself being alone. You witnessed how I broke down every time I remember him. It was like losing a friend I’ve had since I was born. I had nobody to turn to, not even myself, because I made the mistake of giving him everything I had, nothing was left for me to start anew. I have heard of the sadness that broken hearts feel, but not once did I ever imagine feeling it myself. I felt so hurt and abandoned. The tears that constantly run down my face weren’t enough to wash away the pain. Cliché, but oozing with reality. I was hurting like hell that I wanted to inflict physical pain on myself. I would have given anything just NOT to feel the pain inside me, even for a minute. I prayed hard that I get into an accident of any sort. I thought that if I were hospitalized, at least I wouldn’t feel the heartache for a few days, even for a few hours. Thus, part of the the story behind the pierced navel.
I lost confidence. I began doubting my own self. I started asking, why would anyone love me? What would they see in me, but irreparable, broken pieces of an empty person with no personality or character of its own? I have nothing to give, but my issues and hang ups in this sorry little state called life. I’m not good enough for anyone.
I just wanted to turn my back and run like crazy. I didn’t want to feel the pain, I DIDN’T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING. I wanted to be overcome by numbness. I started thinking that I am not capable of feeling anything but pain. I wanted to start a new life where no one knows me, where nothing will remind of the pain that I’m trying to avoid. But, of course, I know better than escaping the inevitable. I stayed here and endured the pain, the countless things that remind me that someone I loved so dearly walked out on me, the endless awkward questions from my family, relatives, and friends who knew “us.” Many times I felt like giving up, and just thought of staying in my room forever. For the first time in my entire 23 years of existence, I felt unimaginable pain.
Back then, right after the break up, I kept telling myself that maybe, I didn’t love him enough that’s why he left, that’s why what he felt for me didn’t grow into something strong enough to survive what little thing that came our way. For weeks, as you know, I tried to analyze where I went wrong, I dissected every issue we had in the past, every conversation, every unresolved problem. I was even fair enough to think that probably, he did his best, I did mine, we just didn’t meet halfway – we didn’t meet at all. Back then, I didn’t really find the problem. I just accepted the fact that for now, “hanggang dito na lang kami.” One reason why I bounced back to civilization that soon (albeit not as the same person) was my long-standing principle that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I tried to move on with the hopes of finding soon the reason why I had to hurt so much. I have to admit that, although I knew him too well, I secretly wished that soon, he would come back to me, that after a few weeks he would try to reach me and tell me that he missed me so much and that he needed me in his life.
As I always say, acceptance is the key to moving on. Once I have accepted that there is no more “us,” I started enjoying my life as my own self. I started knowing who I really am, what I want, what I hate. Little by little, I was able to fight the urge to call or text him. I ran out of reasons to go and see him. Little by little, the time I spend thinking about him decreased. With you and the rest of the guys as my friends, I found the strength to be part of the “single crowd,” a crowd that never existed to me before. I started loving myself again. Little by little, I was starting to have character. I was starting to become somebody with a name other than “bitch.” I knew I would be fine, but I gave up trying to be happy again.
Then you came. I was in so much need of affection, of someone to help me mend my wounded heart and take care of my broken soul. You came and loved me as I am, without asking for anything in return, but the freedom to love me. I never felt loved that much before, I’ve told you time and again. As the song goes, “For once in my life, I’ve got someone who needs me, someone I’ve needed so long…” You made me feel that I have a purpose in this world, that I can make someone truly happy just by being myself. With the love that you showed me, I started to heal. I started believing that I can be happy again. I started believing that I can feel again, but this time, it’s not pain, but something… positive.
At first, I have to admit, although I’m sure you know, I held back. For many reasons. I didn’t want to go into a relationship if I’m not sure of what I feel. I didn’t want to use anybody just so I can heal and become whole again and ready for somebody else. I didn’t want to be involved with someone whose issues are far worse than mine. I didn’t want to be in another relationship, thinking that I was betraying the one who left me. But I told myself, “Maybe Keith is right.” Maybe, for once, I should think about my own goddamn happiness. So I did.
When the issues, both yours and mine, continued to pour in, I began to hesitate again. I told myself, I am not over and done with my recent issue, I don’t need all these things to bother me. I can hardly handle my own shit, why the hell would I try and deal with somebody else’s problems? I’m not even a part of it, I have nothing to do with your crap! But then, I thought, would I rather go and deal with my problems on my own and be miserable for until God knows when? Or would I try to be strong for somebody who gives me strength by showing me the love that I’ve been deprived of all these years, love that I deserve? That’s when I realized that I can’t just let you go. I told myself, “You bitch! You don’t meet that kind of person every fucking day, someone who loves you more than you love yourself, so why the hell are turning your back at him?” That’s when I realized that I wanted to be a part of your life, that I wanted to have something to do with your crap, that I cared, so much, as to what the hell goes on in your fucking life, that I love you… And “LOVE” is a word that I treat with deathly seriousness…
When he left me, I wished for him to come back, but what I really prayed for was strength to be able to move on without him. I prayed NOT for the perfect one for me, but for someone to whom I am perfect. I prayed for someone who can understand what I’ve been through and love me anyway, for someone who’ll love me as much as I loved the ex, for someone to whom my presence would make a difference in his life, for someone with whom I can totally be myself, someone who can show me that I am somebody worth loving.
You are everything that I’ve prayed for, and more. You told me that you feel like you’ve been given a second chance to get your life back in order. For me, I feel like the Big Guy has slapped me in the face and told me, “You were asking why you had to part with someone and hurt so much? Because he’s not making you happy. Because if you’re still with that wuss, you wouldn’t realize that the one who can show you what love and happiness is all about is right under your nose.”
Since the day I said I love you, I have stopped asking my eternal question. You are the living proof that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. If you are the reason why I went through that emotional hell, I would gladly go through it all over again just to be able to feel even a bit of the love you’re showing me.
At the mass yesterday, I don’t know if you noticed, but I almost cried. I was thanking Him for answering my prayers in the person of the guy holding my hand, and I was asking for forgiveness for doubting His plans for me.
As we’ve always talked about, what we have is truly special. We’ve already been through so much in the little time we’ve been together, and yet, we’re still standing strong, not just on our own, but together, for each other. Honestly, I was never comfortable talking about the future or making plans with somebody, because I was afraid that those dreams might stay as dreams, nothing more. But with you, I don’t really care anymore. I’m not scared of dreaming anymore, because the joy that dreaming brings is enough for me to hope that someday, those dreams may become reality.
When I was hurt, I stopped believing in many things. Although that’s pretty much a few months ago, still it means a lot to me that you made me believe again, because I wasn’t really expecting to do so, especially this soon. I never thought I could love again, at least not as much as before. I never imagined myself crying tears of happiness just a few months after crying in pain. I was never in control of my emotions. But this is one instance that I will never regret losing control.
Let’s stick to our “informal” agreement way back when we started. No promises, no bullshit. Let’s just make the most of that we have right now. I don’t want to lose this, Keith, I don’t want this to end. I just want to love you like there’s no more tomorrow. I just want to love you with all that’s left of me.
I still have so many things I want to tell you. But I’m already taking too much of your time as it is. Besides, I’m not in a hurry because I have (I hope) the rest of my life to tell them to you.
I love you, Baby. I would want to stay this way in love with you for the rest of my life, or at least, until God permits.